I'm sitting at my desk, looking out the window, overlooking the front yard, hoping to see my Ariel bouncing up to the steps. But I know it will never happen. Around 6 am I let the dogs out back not knowing that Ariel was in the backyard. Then my husband and I heard the commotion. He ran out there in his bare feet to get the cat out of Rex's mouth, but it was too late. She was dead. The second kitten to be killed. The only one Matt and I have gotten close to. And it's tearing me up inside.
"I should have brought her into the front room last night." My mind races for something to hold the guilt close to me. "It's my fault. Why didn't I check before letting the dogs out." Why do I torture myself like this. I hurry up and wipe the tears from my eyes with my t-shirt hoping Matt doesn't see me cry. But he does anyway.
"She was my favorite too." He lets out with a sigh.
"You'll see her again," my God says to me.
But right now I just want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. I just want to run away. Maybe the hurt won't be so bad if I'm somewhere else.
"Lord, I need you. I really do." My heart cries out. "Don't leave me."
I know He won't. He's been with me for years. Walked with me. Talked with me. It's comforting.
My husband told me that we shouldn't be angry with Rex because this is what dogs do. He was protecting the backyard. Besides, dogs chase cats and he didn't do it out of spite. I love Rex, love him dearly. But my husband is right. He's just an animal that loves to chase cats. Why was she even in the backyard to begin with?????
Anyway, I'll be alright today. I just need to get this off of my chest. Thanks for reading.
I always begin my day listening to Grace For Purpose Prayers on YouTube. I find they help me focus on the Lord every morning and get me into the Word. The prayer this morning made me think of all the things that are holding me back from my writing - the very thing I want to honor the Lord with. It really hit me hard and has been a struggle for years to break free from. (Link to video at end of the post.)
So the questions that hit me were: What sin clings so closely that it has become a hindrance in my life? What has become like a weight over me I can't fight? This could also be an idol in our lives. Something we hold very dear, or a habit we can't let go of, that goes above what the Lord wants us to be doing instead.
A flood of things hit me. In particular, there are a few games I like to end my day by playing. Sometimes I can lose track of time and hours have gone by and instead of ending my day with my Bible, I end up tired and go straight to bed. Another thing is watching movies or listening to YouTube with my husband instead of studying God's word or journaling my thoughts for a devotional. This has been holding us both back and made us lazy, which has been another struggle I deal with.
But the biggest weight I have will shut me down completely and cause me to shut out everything and everyone if I'm not careful. It's my husband's attitude toward my writing. My one love in the world is words and crafting them for the Lord. Learning how to take my stories and scripture and bless people in order to draw them closer to the Lord.
The anger my husband has when I tell him I need to focus on my writing instead of going out with him. Losing his support for my writing has devastated my life. It has made my marriage uncomfortable at times and can paralyze me in my walk with the Lord if I let it.
I love going out with my husband and spending time with him, but when I designate a day to do nothing but write or work on a project, my husband doesn't understand this. And I end up putting off my writing for him and feel like I wasted an opportunity to write.
Have you ever let grief and struggles paralyze you from moving forward with the Lord? It is the most traumatizing place to be.
In Hebrews 12:1, Paul describes our life's path as a race that we must run with endurance to the end. But we all know that we have an enemy who will throw things in our path to stop us from sharing God's word with others. What strikes me is that in order to run our race we must "lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely". Underline that in your Bibles or make a note of it. We need to get rid of everything that doesn't line up with God's word, the idols in our lives, the habits that make us struggle with reading our Bibles, or even praying every day. Why? Because of the great cloud of witnesses, we have around us. People are watching us. Watching how we live, how we treat people, and whether we are living up to what a Christian should be.
When we accept Christ in our lives, we accept getting to know Him and His word by studying it, praying/talking things over with the Lord, putting Him first in our lives in order to help others. This is our task. So how can we do this when we are still struggling with sin in our lives?
PRAY. Start off by praying for the Holy Spirit to show you the sins that cling too closely and make note of them. Journal your journey or get a prayer journal to keep track of your requests and answers the Lord gives/shows you.
REPENT. Repent of these things and give them over to the Lord. Even family members that may have hurt you. Please don't let the pain turn into bitterness. Go to them if you can and forgive them or pray for them. This has helped me so much with forgiving others including my husband. In praying for them, God changes our hearts and gives us a heart of love towards them instead of pain. I want to stress, you may need counseling services in some situations. Please pray for guidance and wisdom in how to deal with a difficult situation.
Ephesians 4:26 - " Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."
James 5:16 - "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person may has great power as it is working."
Mark 11:25 - "And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespass."
2 Chronicles 7:14 - "If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land."
ASK. Ask the Lord to give you the strength to persevere through the withdrawals or temptation to go back to these bad habits and idols. Fill the emptiness with more of God's word and wisdom in your life and other people who won't bring you back down. Fill your life with God's treasure and adventure.
This takes time, but if you make this a habit and go to the Lord first every day, you will eventually crave more and more of Jesus in your life and less of your old self. Then you will move forward, one day at a time, to the goal of your calling. Don't get impatient either. Having others pray for you is awesome.
Matthew 18:20 - "For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them."
Share below in the comments what you have struggled with and whether you are healing or are still struggling. What worked for you to help you move on or what is the Lord putting on your heart in order for you to move closer to Him?
CHALLENGE: Write your struggles, what weighs you down, even the lies that the enemy has told you, etc. Then look up Bible verses to counter them. Write them down and put them in a place where you can see them and memorize them. Then turn the verses into a prayer you can pray when these things tempt you.
Lord, thank you for opening our eyes to the things that have been holding us back from you. Forgive us and teach us what we need to do in order to let go of these things and move on. Help us to forgive those who have hurt us and give us a heart of love towards them. Let your love heal the wounds that are causing us to struggle in our walk with you. May you always be Lord of our lives. In Jesus name, Amen.
